I've been looking out the window because I love doing that in the middle of the night and I gotta tell you, it's just not the same when you're no longer smoking. That's right, I finally quit, now I smoke heated stubs out of a pink flat dildo that goes just so well with my nail polish. Anyway the dogs aren't out today (yet) and it's a quiet night, a blanket canvass of eeriness worthy of Nightvale. The next thing you know, Cecil is gonna dangle from upstairs and drole on about Carlos and how his new haircut is criminal.
I have to ask, why do trucks light up so much? They look like toys. How many lights do you really need to stand out on a highway? Some of them are like a moving party, and they flicker so much they might give you flashbacks of your past.
This time of night, I usually make vanilla tea and panic about work. Right on the clock, I made coffee this time and wondered what the hell is going to happen to me if I mess up the couple of interviews I got lined up this week. People starve quietly, I came to learn this year. Look around you, there's probably 60 people starving without you knowing about it.
The internet just bailed out on me so I'm writing this and it might never see daylight. The night is nice though, that's the best I can do in terms of analogy with my current mental state. It's like warfare in there, chimpanzees are jumping out of dim corners and flinging me with poop for daring to challenge them.
It's really so quiet this time of night, sometimes it torments me, but right now, I'm just enjoying the fact that every homo sapien within a 10 mile radius is sound asleep, and I'm up confusing my cats' biological clocks like I one day confused my rooster into announcing daylight at 4 pm. Yes, I had a rooster, it was a well-meaning gift from a farmer who finally had the baby she wanted to my mom. I kept him around till he got too big and bird flu threatened to kill every last one of us so they took him to a farm. I believe he was happy there, dad said he bolted right as they released him out in the open. I still think about him sometimes, how many kids he must have had before he cuckoo'd for the very last time.
I usually get a bad feeling around this time of year, but I'm not feeling anything this time around. Maybe closer around December I'll sniff a dead person before they drop like I always do. I hope not though, it's been a nothing kind of year and it feels like it's going to end in pretty much the same way.
Whisper sweet nothings into my ear and make me hot cocoa, I'm looking forward to Christmas. I don't think I'll have anyone around to set up the tree this year, I don't like anyone enough to invite them over. I'm not too sad about it though, I'm going to enjoy putting up the tree and baking bad cookies that I'm probably gonna throw out anyway. Cookies are really complicated, you know that?
Something about this time of night makes me want to introspect, but there's nothing in there unless I mean to scoop out darkness and smear it all over this page till I come across a new shade of black. My darn old brain isn't a friendly place to be in right now, it's riddled with anxiety and bad dreams and more anxiety. Honestly the best thing about my everyday right now are my cats, little balls of love and mischief.
It's going dark again, peace out.
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