The Holiday Blues, Greens and Yellow Beans.

It's Christmas, which means it's almost the new year, and oh my god has this been the worst freaking year of my life, hands down, tits up, fingers still moving.

I had missed pouring my thoughts and feelings into the great, uncaring beyond. It has a feel to it, that surprisingly changes over the years based on the kind of enemies you think you have at different intervals of your lifespan as a derelict humanoid.

I have so many hopes for the new year, but I guess I could concatenate all of them under the umbrella concept of ground.

This new year's eve, I'll be in my neighbourhood church praying for a metaphysical floor collider. I definitely need to get out more, I hear that those who suffer from similar circumstances but have bigger communities often get the not-so-great-but-definitely-better alternative of a collision course and get by on momentum.

How do people make friends at my age anyway?

A moment of silence for my apt and suitable use of 'at my age'. I guess I haven't run out of firsts just yet.

And most importantly, how do they do it and maintain their mortgages? I barely have enough to feed myself and most of my upcoming expenses are already planned out.

I miss grandma, I'll happily trade a bunch of fingers to see her sometime soon. She's been infected by an inter-dimensional virus and her tongue swole up to twice its size. She can't speak and they're putting her on enough painkillers to make a small horse chuckle. Visitations are also not allowed because of Coronavirus and I want to slap a bitch because I can't keep gesturing to her through the door. It's not V for Vendetta.

I've been praying a lot lately, more in a spiritual way than actual prayer. I wonder if there's somebody out there listening, or maybe an entire pantheon of gods or an array of celestial beings sipping goblets of mead and smoking weed. Younger me would be surprised to read this, and a little concerned. 

I missed out on Thanksgiving this year, which feels really weird because I haven't sat down and made a list of all the things I'm grateful for. I want to sit down and do it, but I don't think I'll find much to fill one line. It's really been quite a terrible year.

It's been so terrible, TikTok makes me sad because all I can think about is 'oh wow, look at them all happy and well-rested in their pretty house' or 'I wonder if I'll ever afford a couch' or 'I miss hugging people around the holidays'.

You've guessed correctly, I'm significantly sadder this year than I've ever been around the holidays. I hope things turn around soon, I wish myself the best and nicest of all things and would hug myself if I could because I know I really need it.

It's getting soppy, I'll call it a day.

Of Christmas Amazonians & Nothing in Particular

It's been a fucktillion centuries since I last wrote here. It's also strange writing when there's so much I can't write or talk about lest the promise guardians swing out their arms from the overarching celestial pockets and tear me a new one.

But I wanted to come here and flex my phalanxes.

I've been learning C# for the last month, and I went ahead and got myself a curved gaming monitor for Christmas. It's set to arrive tomorrow, here's to hoping the delivery guy is having a good day and it manages to put a smile on my face. My cheeks are in dire need of some stretching. 

I made a decision to take the next month off, but I failed to abide today. Instead, I found myself applying to jobs and losing four hours into the fat folds of LinkedIn. 

I really hate LinkedIn. 

I hate how people talk on LinkedIn, it's so...pre-Quora.

Christmas is just around the corner, and due to extenuating circumstances, I wasn't able to celebrate December properly, and am now struggling to get into the holiday mood and out of the holiday blues. Maybe I need some Christmas socks, I'll think on it.

God save me from consumerism, I haven't had an income since April, so I'm basically eating away at my own flesh at this point, but that's alright. As long as it makes me happy, happies cannot be bought.

I'm also planning on going out this month, attending some art and culture events and making new friends wherever possible. I also have a couple of people I want to say hi to and check on for the holidays. All in good time.

Semsema is getting a lot bigger, she's twice as big as she was when I last saw her. I guess she's staying, I couldn't find anyone to take her and my parents are already super attached to her. Banana has changed. She's still feral, bless her heart, but she used to have a bit more wild affection than she does, I'll try and get her sorted. They were promised treats, and they shall get them. 

Ludwig is still my favourite, but he's shakier than ever. Poor baby isn't used to violence and he is now forced to share his dump suite with two street urchins. I feel for him.

I wonder if they make Santa hats for cats, I'll have to check. 

For all the insight Amazon is getting about people's mental states, they should expand vertically into the health sector and start issuing drug prescriptions by now. It would work better than five therapists put together, I guarantee it.

I'll go back to Adventure Time.

Oh, and I'm 29 now. Yay? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-