Rust Cohle: I think human consciousness, is a tragic misstep in evolution. We became too self-aware, nature created an aspect of nature separate from itself, we are creatures that should not exist by natural law. We are things that labor under the illusion of having a self; an accretion of sensory, experience and feeling, programmed with total assurance that we are each somebody, when in fact everybody is nobody. Maybe the honorable thing for our species to do is deny our programming, stop reproducing, walk hand in hand into extinction, one last midnight, brothers and sisters opting out of a raw deal.

Goodbye And Thanks For All The Fish.

Fuck you too, Kit Kat.

Alright here's the deal. I've been having trouble people-ing this week *surprise surprise* and thought I might as well come here and share my little revelations with y'all, since y'all don't exist and I don't really like people, or sharing. Shut up, reddit users aren't people; they're advanced aliens from a Utopian dimension on community service.

Bitches be cray cray, that's a fact. It ain't just a brofact, it's a Newton fact, despite the fact that Newton was a bro. It's hard to scale things down to perspective when the world is proportionately gracious to your cup size. Your heart's just gotta go out to Brienne, you know? It took a little getting down and getting my hands dirty to ultimately crack the code, but it's just one of those things you gotta go through to crack, while owning a vajayjay. Okay, the pun was totally NOT intended, I'm not that street smart. Anyway, there's a very thin line between being rational and rationalizing. Hard enough as it is on average homo-sapiens, that line's made microscopically thinner if you're a woman. And I don't mean sitcom-level hard, I mean a professional tap dancing amoeba could trip and fall to its forever single cellular death if it took on that line. Don't get me wrong, I'd donate my coochie to the ARC if I could, but by the time that's made technologically possible, I don't think any of the futuristic droids would be dumb enough to take it.

More on this week, I cut a deal with an old war veteran to buy a beach bucket when he made me realize I've been to the beach and didn't build a sand castle. I found out I don't need an internet degree or to be the captain of my own ship to marry two people - IN YOUR FACE, JOEY TRIBIANI - and that all it took to get on a scary boss's good side is a good old heart-in-a-mug coffee trick, and you don't even have to give the coffee away. You could just drink it, because the heart was totally meant for you.

Growing up sucks, I don't even remember where I stashed my good old beach bucket. Hell, it took me two weeks and a break-down-induced full on nerd-out to realize I turned into one of those grownups who were all icky about sand and didn't make any sand castles. That's another thing you gotta get down and dirty for, and it ain't half icky, dammit! They didn't tell us that shit when we were kids, that's one thing I could have used instead of a singing purple dinosaur. Who the hell needs a singing purple dinosaur? You gotta invest in the right things for them to turn out sweet, and I cross my heart and hope to die if I don't invest in a solid beach bucket before the year is done. Scout's honour.

I know they told you to stop taking advice off the internet, but they also told you bad things don't happen to good people. If you gotta take advice; google that shit, reddit it to threads sweetcakes. Forums are great; it's that shady place in a dark internet alley where people go to secretly be honest, away from judgmental eyes. Strangers have got no reason to hurt you, just as they've got no reason to be nice to you, and you'll learn to be grateful for both - equally, might I add - when you learn that's about as fair as it gets out there in the big bad world. After all, Brutus would have had no reason to kill Caesar had he not been his friend. Well, there WAS a conflict of booty interest, but that's irrelevant to my argument, so I'll go ahead, be an Egyptian and just bleep it out from history altogether on account of the 'bros before hoes' charter. You get the point.

What else did I find out this week? Oh, doctors are idiots. Most of them. Hot doctors exist off-set, they usually have legible handwriting and normally pop out of the grid every once in a blue moon just to mess with you, then turn into a grizzly werewolf, probably.

At the expense of sounding like Ted Mosby, I'll just go ahead and say it. Kids, there are no rules to this thing. And believe it or not, there will come a time when even Will Smith can't cheer you up. That's usually the time when YOU gotta cheer you up. Question is, can you take on Will Smith?