Of Punching Flowers and Mating Pigeons

I accidentally punched a flower. I didn't mean to, something about it made me want to flick it and it tore right off, with the heart still intact. I felt terrible afterwards, and it made me think about the fragility of life, and how it may have already been dying because it was stupid enough to lean away from the sun, but then again maybe it likes the feel of the sun on its neck instead of its face. All flowers are girls, and bees are dudes. It's an interesting matriarchy of an ecosystem that surprisingly works.

My cats have learned to not mind each other's company. It started out on the day they got their flea vaccination, something about their joint demise brought them closer together. They are also very wary of spots that have each other's smells on them, it's amazing to watch. My cat was sleeping on the beanbag earlier and my other cat sniffed it and went away on its own, it also avoided the bed on its way out because my other cat was on there. Wouldn't it be great if humans were the same way?

I watched the night roll on by twice, once when it was still dark, and another time when the sun was up. It's amazing how life surged into the otherwise quiet street, filling it with cars and pedestrians where there were only delivery guys and garbage collectors. I thought about the garbage collector today, there was no one else walking on by and it made me think how he was safe because he had nothing to lose. Who wants to hurt someone without getting anything out of it? That guy owned the place.

When the sun was up, I saw a pigeon timidly approach another pigeon, presumably the female, only to have her fly away when he was close enough to have a pigeon cuddle. It was heartbreaking to watch and it made me aww and giggle at the little guy. I hope he gets some soon. He was rather handsome but his feathers were hella ruffled round the back. He may have been in a fight too, bad day for the little guy.

Good day for me! I've been watching Scrubs, for four days in a row now. It's something to do and it gives me company. I missed a big interview today because I overslept, but I luckily managed to reschedule it to later this week. It took a bit of groveling that I'm not proud of, but I managed. I'll make it if I have to stay up all night, since I missed 7 alarms today. Makes you think...really dark things mainly, so I'll let that trail off right around here.

The dogs have been coming on by every day, I want to feed them but we have no leftovers, and I'm too broke to buy cat food let alone dog food. I wish our neighborhood had one of them crazy ladies who fed strays, too bad it's me for this neighborhood.

You know, I've always thought JD was super lucky to have Turk, I never thought he was lucky to have Carla, which makes me think about the way I'm built and what it really takes to make me happy. Maybe I'm thinking too much into it, but they really have a connection, you know? Carla is needy and always makes up fights about nothing, making mountains out of mole hills as Turk once said. Him and JD just support each other and have fun. Better relationship, hands down.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

I've been looking out the window because I love doing that in the middle of the night and I gotta tell you, it's just not the same when you're no longer smoking. That's right, I finally quit, now I smoke heated stubs out of a pink flat dildo that goes just so well with my nail polish. Anyway the dogs aren't out today (yet) and it's a quiet night, a blanket canvass of eeriness worthy of Nightvale. The next thing you know, Cecil is gonna dangle from upstairs and drole on about Carlos and how his new haircut is criminal.

I have to ask, why do trucks light up so much? They look like toys. How many lights do you really need to stand out on a highway? Some of them are like a moving party, and they flicker so much they might give you flashbacks of your past. 

This time of night, I usually make vanilla tea and panic about work. Right on the clock, I made coffee this time and wondered what the hell is going to happen to me if I mess up the couple of interviews I got lined up this week. People starve quietly, I came to learn this year. Look around you, there's probably 60 people starving without you knowing about it. 

The internet just bailed out on me so I'm writing this and it might never see daylight. The night is nice though, that's the best I can do in terms of analogy with my current mental state. It's like warfare in there, chimpanzees are jumping out of dim corners and flinging me with poop for daring to challenge them. 

It's really so quiet this time of night, sometimes it torments me, but right now, I'm just enjoying the fact that every homo sapien within a 10 mile radius is sound asleep, and I'm up confusing my cats' biological clocks like I one day confused my rooster into announcing daylight at 4 pm. Yes, I had a rooster, it was a well-meaning gift from a farmer who finally had the baby she wanted to my mom. I kept him around till he got too big and bird flu threatened to kill every last one of us so they took him to a farm. I believe he was happy there, dad said he bolted right as they released him out in the open. I still think about him sometimes, how many kids he must have had before he cuckoo'd for the very last time.

I usually get a bad feeling around this time of year, but I'm not feeling anything this time around. Maybe closer around December I'll sniff a dead person before they drop like I always do. I hope not though, it's been a nothing kind of year and it feels like it's going to end in pretty much the same way.

Whisper sweet nothings into my ear and make me hot cocoa, I'm looking forward to Christmas. I don't think I'll have anyone around to set up the tree this year, I don't like anyone enough to invite them over. I'm not too sad about it though, I'm going to enjoy putting up the tree and baking bad cookies that I'm probably gonna throw out anyway. Cookies are really complicated, you know that?

Something about this time of night makes me want to introspect, but there's nothing in there unless I mean to scoop out darkness and smear it all over this page till I come across a new shade of black. My darn old brain isn't a friendly place to be in right now, it's riddled with anxiety and bad dreams and more anxiety. Honestly the best thing about my everyday right now are my cats, little balls of love and mischief. 

It's going dark again, peace out.