It All Went Dark

Everything is dark.

Over the past few weeks, I've been having terrible anxiety. I get triggered by the oddest little things, most of them surprise me even though there's no one I know more than myself.

At least I'm writing again, but it's different this time. It's not my usual sort of writing, it's letter writing. I'm writing like I am in trouble and seeking a friend.

Why am I seeking a friend in the universe through the electronic folds of this little thing?

I wouldn't know what to do with a friend if I had one. 

I guess I'm seeking myself the most. My bubbly self, the one that fell back on herself and always managed to bounce, because I was one bubbly motherfucker.

Where did all that bubble go? 

It turned into bubble wrap and was used to hide a body somewhere. Not my body, not my bubble wrap.

I feel displaced. 

I want to wake up one day and not feel scared. Scared of the future, scared of the present. Scared of what it all means, or if it means anything at all.

It can't be that hard for everyone, something is wrong.

lol, something is wrong. Of course, it is.

But what?

I got my hands stretched out, which finger finds it first? It's all so dark.

The Cursed Waiting

Lately, I noticed that I keep waiting.

It's odd, and quite useless actually, because I don't know what I'm waiting for. 

I'm not entirely sure when this started, but it feels like I've been waiting a long time. Years, actually, but in the last few months it's been swallowing my days whole.

I'm usually doing something, and I open a new tab to check my messages, or I'm on the couch watching news and I grab my phone and check my messages. 

It even happens when I'm not on devices. Sometimes, I'm just sitting there, remembering things past and people gone, and my thoughts are interrupted with an overwhelming sense of waiting.

It's horrible, and I want it to stop.

It might be anxiety, but how am I waiting for something if I don't know what it is?

The thought is actually quite depressing because I often find myself thinking "what am I waiting for? Nothing is happening, no one's coming" and that just makes it infinitely worse.

The fuck, man.

The new year is here, and last night, I asked myself what is that I really need.

What is it, that when around, I'll consider things complete?

I've been thinking about it all day, and it's all the usual things. Leaving, moving to a new country, a beautiful place with better people, and making new friends.

I wonder if I'll stop waiting then. I wonder if this has anything to do with it.

I then tried to make it so that feeling is replicated, just to see how it feels. What if I stopped waiting? What would it feel like when I'm not waiting?

What is it that I need to do for the waiting to stop?

It's quite weird actually, because it's quite disruptive. I'm finding it hard to focus because it happens in the middle of me doing things. I had the urge three times while writing this to go to a useless tab and stare at nothing.

Maybe it's a phenomenon. Has anyone studied this?

I have some serious introspecting to do.

In Remembrance of the Glitch