The Cursed Waiting

Lately, I noticed that I keep waiting.

It's odd, and quite useless actually, because I don't know what I'm waiting for. 

I'm not entirely sure when this started, but it feels like I've been waiting a long time. Years, actually, but in the last few months it's been swallowing my days whole.

I'm usually doing something, and I open a new tab to check my messages, or I'm on the couch watching news and I grab my phone and check my messages. 

It even happens when I'm not on devices. Sometimes, I'm just sitting there, remembering things past and people gone, and my thoughts are interrupted with an overwhelming sense of waiting.

It's horrible, and I want it to stop.

It might be anxiety, but how am I waiting for something if I don't know what it is?

The thought is actually quite depressing because I often find myself thinking "what am I waiting for? Nothing is happening, no one's coming" and that just makes it infinitely worse.

The fuck, man.

The new year is here, and last night, I asked myself what is that I really need.

What is it, that when around, I'll consider things complete?

I've been thinking about it all day, and it's all the usual things. Leaving, moving to a new country, a beautiful place with better people, and making new friends.

I wonder if I'll stop waiting then. I wonder if this has anything to do with it.

I then tried to make it so that feeling is replicated, just to see how it feels. What if I stopped waiting? What would it feel like when I'm not waiting?

What is it that I need to do for the waiting to stop?

It's quite weird actually, because it's quite disruptive. I'm finding it hard to focus because it happens in the middle of me doing things. I had the urge three times while writing this to go to a useless tab and stare at nothing.

Maybe it's a phenomenon. Has anyone studied this?

I have some serious introspecting to do.