A world over it's been since I last came on here! I have a new job, that's driving me to the end of my wits in terms of anxiety, and I have been sick for the last week or so. You all have no idea how lucky you are to be pooping properly. I'm going to wash my hair in a bit, but I thought I'd take a moment to acknowledge what a beautiful day it is. It really is such a nice day.
I'm sitting there enjoying the ambience of the early morning traffic, winds rushing through the tree by my window and the birds have finally fallen quiet to get on with the day. My cat is sleeping on the bean bags, and she looks so peaceful. Her eyes are closed and she's slipped into the backdrop, sidestepping into an ethereal realm not too far from our own but also not quite here. The birds wake up every now and again, exchanging pleasantries no doubt. I bet they're also exclaiming what a wonderful day it is.
I caught myself in a moment a bit earlier. I was sitting there pondering if I should watch an episode of adventure time before I wash my hair. Then I asked myself if I was really happy. I wondered if watching adventure time would make me happy, and if not, what it is that would. An underlying sense of happiness is there, underneath the folds of it all, but it's not coming up to the surface as it should. I am happy, I think, especially in this moment, apart from the meaning of everything when put together.
I recognize that there are parts of myself that are no longer there, and others that were not there before. It's impossible to think back on yourself from a few years ago and identify every single thing that ever was to be somewhere else but still there. Some things are just not there anymore, and I can't miss them because I don't know their names. But I do!
I remember how differently I felt on mornings in college, and how different the mornings were at school. I remember some of the past jobs and what their mornings were like, and almost exactly what I felt back then. I try to compare it with this morning and something is off. Not that this morning in particular has something lacking, but rather that this morning is an entirely different morning.
I even look different from how I used to look. My face is now older, wiser, less excitable. My eyes are sharp, always. I was more relaxed back then, but also, I was looking at the same things from entirely different angles. I had half a mind to set up before I wrote this, wanted to sit by the window like I used to and put up the big screen, but my bean bags are currently occupied by a sleeping furball that I don't dare move. It must be pure evil to upset a sleeping cat.
Where was I going with this? Not quite sure. Just rolling into the idea of a fine morning. This morning feels slower than the rest. Comparing it to last morning, which was rushed and loud, this morning is one where people aren't too quick to turn up to things. I keep hearing a bird now and again and I melt into the moment, forgetting what the hell I was saying. I guess that's how you tell nice mornings from others that aren't so nice. Nice mornings are the ones you keep losing track of.
I have a lot on my mind lately. There's a way I go about writing on my blog where people can't just swing in to see how I'm doing. They have to ask. That's why I don't want to get into it straight away, but rather take my time with it and perceive the things that exist on the sidelines.
The reason why I'm taking the time to write about this fine morning is that of late, I've been cursed with the morning illness. That is, I wake up and I start thinking about all the things I should be doing and all the things that are waiting for me to get out of bed. I don't rest in it and enjoy the moment as it comes, it's a guinea pig wheel that's waiting to grind me into a pulp. Mornings are mixed with stomach pains, bathroom breaks, running around the house doing things and getting ready. I sometimes even commit the atrocity of forgetting to kiss my cats. I always double back for that, and when I'm already out of the house I never forget to kiss them as soon as I'm back.
I was watching a video of luna the pantera and it was just so pleasant. It reminded me a little of Banana, she has the same form, but I would have liked to own a panther. It made me notice how the nicest moments of my day are spent watching animal videos or playing with my cats. That is when I am at my most genuine happiest. I guess my ideal life would be to live in a wildlife sanctuary and take care of animals. But I bet I'd still worry about my cats.
I've made a decision to try and write here more often, as I used to. I want to try and record as much of the experience as possible because it grounds me when I come back to read it. There are posts on here from a million years ago and reading them is like slipping into a dark and dusty room that's been barred for residents for years. This one has my old piano box, this one has my favorite book from when I was 13!
Banana is now sitting by the window. I wonder if she's thinking and feeling the same things I'm thinking and feeling. Sometimes I look at her really closely and try to gauge what it is she's thinking, but no matter how hard I try I'm still human and she's still a cat. Freaky Friday, pretty baby? Are you interested to know what it's like being me too?
She just looked at me! I'll take that as a maybe!
Oh this morning. It's so sweet. I wish it would last forever. I'm going to take a couple of hours and rest in it. Top of the morning to you!
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