Of Karma, Bogus & A Coincidence That’s Not Really A Coincidence.

This is hard to talk about. I usually come here to write about mindfucks as generally as i can, but as much as i can generalize this, it will still be personal; because sometimes; it takes a horrible person to make you see that you were one yourself. The exact thing that repelled you is what you’ve been doing over and over again to other people. Karma is, has been and will always be a bitch, that’s true, but she’s one fair bitch alright. I got the realization shoved up my mental ass by none other than yours truly. I only needed to see how it looks like on another person, how pathetically attention-seeking, see-through and weak it was, when it dawned on me that hey! I’ve been the one thing i hate, and i didn’t even see it. Then comes phase 2 of mindfuck, when you start feeling guilty and wonder if you’re bound to show them the same kindness you’ve been shown. It’s not that convoluted on 1st person narrative, but that’s exactly where phase 3 kicks in, you’ll never get what i’m talking about until it happens to you. Phase 4 is where you start wondering if an apology and a promise that you’ll never be what we’ll proceed to call Bogus from now on for privacy matters, is enough to free you of phase 2 on a contract with penitentiary conditions. Does it count? I don’t know. I really don’t. I have enough shit to handle on my own, but didn’t my friend have their own shit to handle too when i ladled them my portion? And doesn’t it logically follow that i owe that person an apology and should be willing to pay it forward? Doesn’t that mean that i’ve been a horrible person? That same horrible person that i’m dying to get rid of? I don’t know. And nobody can help me with this. There’s no help button in real life, or an undo button for that matter. The way i see it, it’s one of two ways. Either good will come out of it, because now that i know the problem exists i’ll stop it and save everybody who’s ever cared about me the drill, or good will come out of it, by sucking it up and paying it forward, and maybe that’ll help the other person. Because i can’t get myself to picture the wimpy version of it where i just walk away when i’ve had people who’ve never walked out on me when i was worse.

Or i just have a god complex.

I don’t know. Fuck this.