Me, Myself & The Kitchen.

SO..I was hungry at an unholy hour of night. And this usually doesn’t bid well, because it means i have to cook. And that, kids, is where the story begins. Drum roll, please.

Attempt #1: Toasted bread with butter and honey.

I found the corpse of an old bread loaf, the remains of what i then believed to be butter, and huge jars of honey that would feed a Cambodian family for a month. I got the loaf of bread, used the huge forceps  thingie to toast it into charred mummies which i was very proud of and put those aside. I then realized that the butter won’t melt or cut. So i heated a knife and tried to cut it, didn’t work, which made me get a tiny pan with running potatoes holding hands all over it, put in a piece of butter and tried to melt it. It still wouldn’t melt. It took about 10 minutes to turn into what you’d call an alien’s booger, used a fork to squish it into what you’d call alien throw-up and put that on top what remained of the bread. I proudly put some of the honey, managing not to spill more than a spoonful, got a pretty plate and settled myself in front of the TV thinking how awesome i am. Then i took the first bite. That was when i found out the butter was cheese. FML

Attempt #2: Boiled eggs:

Eggs scare me. No really. They do, i have bad history with eggs. No need to go into that now anywho. I got me a couple of eggs, one of which had a fine hairline crack which i then thought was harmless and later proved to be catastrophic enough to fit into ‘All My Sons’. I got a huge..uh..thingie. The one you use to boil milk, because i then figured the taller it is, the safer it will be. I filled it almost to the brim with water, tossed in the eggs and set the timer because i wasn’t inclined to burn down the house. Then i went out and, thank god, turned off the media player. A couple of minutes later, i heard a SPLOOOOOOOSHHH SSSSS. I ran to the kitchen thinking i’m in for a tsunami when i found that the fire was out, an egg exploded and made omelette on the brim of the thingie and the other was, well, nowhere to be found. I got everything back upright and kept my distance as i looked warily at it till it’s done. I later found the other egg, it had jumped somewhere into the onion basket, but unfortunately i couldn’t find its yolk. X-files, i got another case for you. They both looked and tasted like something out of ‘Alien VS. Predator’. I set the bread on fire trying to toast it.

I then lost hope, which led me to the last attempt, which was the most successful.

Attempt #3: Olives.