Personal Parabola.

I have a Maths exam in 2 hours. If you know me in person, you know for sure how much I love Maths, and how it’s a huge chunk of how I define who I am. The problem is that a couple of days ago we got the results to the big Chemistry exam and I got a really bad grade. I’m usually top of my class, so when I got that sheet with 10.5 out of 15 written on it, I think it’s understandable that I kept staring at it trying to reshape that zero into a 6 by sheer power of vision and infrared will. The next morning, when I was actually sober enough to flip the page with the grade to see what was actually off, Oh the irony. I got everything backwards. Which element is smaller; A or B? B is bigger. The correct answer is: A is smaller. So I practically got it right eh? Is that an apple or an orange? It’s not an orange.

Yup..

What the Fuck was I thinking?

Was I even thinking?

How could I not be thinking? I’m always thinking.

This can’t be happening.

But it did.

Well, that was the case to all of the stuff that I wrote. I wrote the exact opposite. They were right in sense. The exact opposite, every decrease was an increase and every increase was a decrease. Do I hear a shout for dyslexia?

No. Close enough, but no.

It’s a little something called Sanaweyya jitters.

You see, just as everybody who knows me knows my stance on maths, they also know how much of an egotistical maniac I am about stuff that I love. I have Maths today, my morale is down in the gutters and I don’t like it! I’m a snob. I want the snob back. I wanna know with every fibre of my being that I’m gonna go in that exam room today and ace the fuck out of it. Because I’m good at Maths, and I know it.

But I can’t say that anymore, what if that chem episode decides to pull off take two? I can’t let that happen. It doesn’t happen. It’s impossible.

Except that now I know it’s possible.

Which means it could happen.

Oh shit.

What’s worse, is that it’s a stupid evaluation Quiz. If that happens with the virtual pressure of the finals hovering, what do you think are the odds of that happening in the actual finals, with all of the curriculum involved? Which is around 5 or 6 times more than what we’ve already worked on? Huh?

Holy Shit.

O_o

I’ve been studying since 8 am, so that’s about 5-6 hours straight. What’s really getting on my nerves is that I’m hoping it goes well.

I don’t hope.

I can’t leave a space for hope.

Hope is for people who haven’t worked hard enough and are pulling on all the powers of the unseen since they fucked up the seen bit.

The usual Scenario would have been of me studying, for 5 hours straight which is a constant in this equation, except that I wouldn’t be jittering with mounds of crumpled paper bracketing my existence and leaving a trail to all of the places I used as a studying hole, which I kept changing every hour or so. I wouldn’t have two calculators, 7 books and 5 pens around. I wouldn’t have a blinding headache and I wouldn’t forget blinking until my eyes burnt.

No.

Maths is my thing. It’s not possible.

Or is it?

That’s the unsettling bit. I don’t like grey areas.

I’m good at the stuff that I know I’m good at. These can’t be variables. They’re not allowed to. It’s not possible.

It’s not. It can’t be.

Aw man..