Don’t cry over spilled milk, if it’s coffee though..

Me: You know what? you shouldn’t have been that suicidal this morning. That adjective is rights reserved and trademarked to me and only me, you better know that. Obviously your sense of self-preservation is slightly dislodged lately.

Coffee: Speaking of dislodged, You’re the one who knocked me off into your drawer! And don’t you start on who’s fault it is I ended up all over the commode.

Me: And you’re lucky you didn’t ruin my books. Being on karma’s good side is not such a pro given karma’s a bitch, it just says you’re pulling the right threads eh? Isn’t it bad enough that you took the last drops of milk with you? I had to do with black coffee for God’s sake, and don’t you dare use the discrimination bite-back on me or I swear to God I’m biting your virtual head off.

Coffee: It’s not my fault that I’m under the strict laws of gravity. If you weren’t such a klutz I’d still be here. I’m the one who was spilled, I should be the one fighting, but as always I’m enough of a philanthropist to settle for being soaked in wood than your caffeinated intestines that I call home.

Me: Not really, smooth ass, because I was the one who had to go through the first school day with the fake concoction of you that I patched up a minute before I rushed off to catch a cab. You tasted horrible. I never thought I’d live to see the day..

Coffee: Oh don’t be such a drama queen. Coffee’s not for wimps. Tastes horrible my ass, go get a taste bud transplant.

Me: Wimps? You’re calling me a wimp? It’s your fault you weren’t mixed in right. What? You’re too good for that? You just had to stand out from the overflowing water molecules eh? Couldn’t you just forget about chemistry for a minute and merge with the cold water? I bet you didn’t even think about that, because you don’t care, do you?

Coffee: Oh it’s my fault you decided to pull an all-nighter and forgot to stir me in? My job is to keep you awake, and so I did. It’s not in my job description to override chemical laws because you ran late and didn’t have time to heat the water OR handle your hand/eye co-ordination glitches OR work on your motor centres. Actually, I do punch up those centres in the brain, so I’m overqualified and you’re under justified.

Me: Oh the size of that ego on you. Not only do you ditch me when I most desperately need you, but you also wanna run away from the responsibility of it?

Coffee: What responsibility? Gluing myself to your hand or installing a jet pack instead of a lateral holder?

Me: Dude, man up. You let me down.

Coffee: I did not, you’re the clingy klutz. I’m just the way I’ve always been and will always be. Don’t you go all nirvana enlightenment on me.

Me: Oh so now I’m clingy? What, you’re overflowing with general certificate students throwing themselves at your feet that old faithful clients don’t matter to you anymore? Aren’t you getting a little too materialistic favouring quantity over quality? And I thought we were tighter than that..

Coffee: And what makes you think you were ever on the quality side of the bargain? You’re just another sipper.

Me: If you weren’t addictive, you wouldn’t risk talking to me like that. How demeaning.

Coffee: Learn it, live it, love it babe. You can’t live without me. You can’t even afford to consider that with Sanaweyya looming on your horizon.

Me: And you have it in you to shove that in my face..

Coffee: I have beans.