Of Jiggly Jars & Powerful Pygmies.

Life Lesson #218: Sometimes being a pygmy comes in handy, like when people use you to sneak out jars and files out of a hospital. None of the giants could see you, and you feel like a super midget with a cape and all.

Life Lesson #219: Maybe you can’t hold someone’s life in your own two hands, but you ‘can’ hold their death. Literally. They’re not that heavy and they smell of formaldehyde. They’re jiggly too. And no, I’m not talking about a dead chick’s boobs. Man I wish I was.

Life Lesson #220: Lying is not that bad. Not all the time. It comes in quite handy sometimes, you just have to be good at it and make sure you’re legit so you don’t get sued by a paranoid cuckoo-head. Oh and did i mention that  you have to know how to do it? Yeh.

Life Lesson #221: Knowledge is power, and power corrupts.

Life Lesson #222: Cooking is a way of showing love; because nothing quite says i love you like the artistic deforming of another form of life by utensils that were formerly used as a medieval form of torture closely followed by slowly dehydrating and frying the last shreds of life out of it as you munch the dead goodness in loving union. Not to mention the fact that nothing quite ruins a facial like pulverized hydrocarbons.

Life Lesson #223: You do not appreciate what you have until it’s almost gone, just like i didn’t know how much i used the ‘m’ letter until my keyboard refused to type it and now i have to punch the life out of it just to write my own name. This goes out to uncles that vicariously live through you and have quite a knack for punching you in the shoulder while still under. My joint doesn’t feel so important now, believe me.

Life Lesson #224: You ask for a blade and all you get is a pepper spray with a pink army print. Moral? Not so sure anymore. Because, well, if life gives  you a toilet pump you just gotta sport it with attitude, pretend it’s a Grammy and hope everybody had a glass too many. Otherwise all you get is a plugged toilet and a bad prop, even by high school drama teacher standards.