Prank CV

Rory the Coffeenommer

She contacts you, you don’t contact her.

Out of sheer courtesy to the general work ethics, the coffeenommer has deigned to hire an assistant munchkinlander, who can be contacted at # 555 – Café

E-mail: caffeinated-coffee@beans.com

 

Career Objectives

Short-term Objectives:

To make coffee the national drink of the Middle East.

To start a monothematic newspaper dedicated to bringing together the coffee lovers of the Middle East.

Long-term Objectives:

To make the aforementioned newspaper an internationally-acclaimed publication outlet.

To start a coffee amusement park, investing all of its profits in the recently certified rehabilitation centre responsible for people with caffeine tolerance, anti-coffee taste buds and tea fanatics.

 

Key Achievements

· Fought for midget rights against the tyrannical top shelf regime.

· Joined ranks with fellow demonstrators against the so-called philanthropist movement of stool per midget.

· Managed to interview book characters as well as dead authors, earning her the medal of multidimensional journalism.

· Was the first to interview Lil Wayne without referring back to an accent specialist or his momma.

· Interviewed Snoop Dogg SOBER.

· Won the international contest on cryptic blog posts that still riddle the Regional Pen Head Committee. (RPHC)

· Monitored the underground private classes’ scene as mole and reported back with insider information.

· Ran the first ninja school newspaper. Copies not available to public and no records of any issue are registered.

· Received the first Google badge of its kind for her researching activity in her senior year.

· Regularly interviewed cabbies to maximize commuting potential, turning it to a worldwide success with dark bitter humor in her column: ‘Word of Turd’

· Wrote a column about the intricate details of national certificate education system that received worldwide sympathy and brought attention to the underground secret society of savage students.

· Got the inside scoop on the controversial matter of the posh spitting tradition in coffyard tastings.

· Was the only conscientious pro-batman journalist during Gotham's turmoil after the penguin framed him.

· Is an honorary member of the coffee appreciation society and first to launch coffee tasting coffyards.

· Worked as a journalist under the pen name of Clark Kent.

· Abolished the worldwide misconception of coffee addiction when she stayed off of coffee for a total of a month.

· Was awarded the Nobel Prize of Altruism for taking on the torturous challenge, mentioned in the previous point, and has attracted Gandhi followers from all over the world who found in her coffee-deprivation a heartwarming reminder of Gandhi’s food strike, and Peace Prize for ending the East-West coast rap feuds and bringing them together over a nice hot mug of coffee.

 

Further Work Experience:

Regional Pen Head Committee (RPHC): (2009 – Ongoing)

· Vice president of the online community after the successful cryptic blog posts referenced earlier.

· Admin of the official online page.

· Runs her own column in the RPHC newspaper, titled ‘Word of Turd’

The Annual Coffyard Tastings:

Ever since their launching in 1998, her tastiness the coffeenommer has been the primary spokesperson, event planner and president of the event, taking on all managerial aspects of the international sensation, bringing forward a turning point in the tradition of spitting by making it possible for participants to take a gulp, financing the extra security measures that ensued herself. Under her charge, there has only been one outbreak by a middle-aged coffee taster who demanded to finish his mug, after falsely claiming he hadn’t taken a gulp several times.

The coffeenommer elegantly solved the security issue by starting a contest for coffee breathalyzers, patenting a young invention that can distinguish up to 97 brands and integrating them in the security measures.

The Coffee Appreciation Society:

· The first Egyptian member, bringing the ancient society to our land after long years.

· The first Egyptian to be elected Mayor of the said society.

· Responsible for many developments in the routine procedures, bringing zest back to red tape.

 

Education:

· High school Graduate of the Coffelation of the United Coffee Mugs School, Class of 2009.

· Graduated with a BA in The Arts Of Coffee in the United Coffelatory University in Cairo (UCUC)

· Pursued her Masters degree in the partner university of said institution in Stuttgart, Germany (UCUS)

Technical Experience

· Well-versed in the art of handling coffee-deprived early morning complaints.

· Is so good on Photoshop that she can turn Mother Teresa into Stalin.

· Has interviewed various prominent figures from the west coast rap scene like Lil Wayne, Snoop Dogg and others.

· Has letters of recommendation from each, with a special reference from Tech N9ne, as well as a hard to come by recommendation from the underground scene from E-40.

 

All references are available on request though denied because no reference is needed.