Tomorrow, I’m graduating high school. Tomorrow, I’ll be a full-fledged grownup, on paper. Tomorrow marks the last day I’m ever stepping foot in a school premises as a student. Tomorrow, I’m officially a pending college student. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life, a whole new life, a bigger life, a more complicated life, but mainly a life. Tomorrow marks the last exam I’m ever sitting in the Thanaweyya system, and tonight is the last exam night I’m ever going through in the Thanaweyya system. Tomorrow is the last day I’ll be wearing my school uniform, carrying a backpack that has a teddy pencil case, a ruler and a well-cared for scientific calculator in it. Tomorrow is the last day I’ll be seeing the classmates I’ve seen everyday since kindergarten. Tonight is the last night I won’t be able to sleep because the terror and anxiety won’t let me. Tomorrow is uncharted territory. Starting tomorrow, I’ll have no idea where my life is heading and I’ll never know anything for sure, not homework-grades-kinda sure anyway. Tomorrow is the last day I’ll be a schoolgirl. Tomorrow is the last day I’m seeing the nuns after seeing them every morning. Tomorrow is the last day I’m a kid, hopefully that won’t ever change at heart. Tomorrow, the constants will be gone, and replaced with variables. Tomorrow is the start of a whole new strain of anxiety from a different system, which will probably break my heart if it ends up in disappointment. Tomorrow is not exciting as much as it is scary. Tomorrow is making me agoraphobic. Tomorrow, the world gets too big, way too big. Tomorrow, I’ll grow up when I don’t want to. Tomorrow is the last day I’ll be required to have my hair in a pony tail. Tomorrow, I’m supposed to magically drop the tomboy act and magically turn into a, urgh, woman, a term that is pretty damn foreign. Tomorrow, there will no longer be that little virtual bubble to hide in from the world. Tomorrow, there will be no piano waiting for me in the deserted school storage room. Tomorrow, I’ll have no affiliation with my school, I will not be listed in its register and I’ll go as a visitor. There will be no more queues with the national anthem bursting in the primary faction, no 18 Monicas and 16 Mirnas, no Christmas recitals and no French and Lebanese hymns. Tomorrow is the last day I’ll be hearing that familiar Lebanese accent. Starting tomorrow, I’ll never be scared of running into a nun when late for class, running into my bullies in between classes and I’ll never have to share my Nutella sandwiches at recess again. Tomorrow, everything changes. Tomorrow, the comfortable routine is gone, the tiny tightly-knit community is gone, along with the faces I know so well.
I’m never going to school again. I’m graduating high school and I’m scared. I don’t wanna grow up, I don’t wanna leave school and dive into the world just yet. It’s too big. انا عايزه مدرستي
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