It’s been an odd couple of days, to say the least. But then again when has it ever been normal for me? Good and bad don’t really cut it anymore, there are always too many ways I’m looking at one thing to decide which with enough clarity. Objectively speaking, it’s been bad. Subjectively speaking, it’s been bad. For some reason, something right there, stuck in the middle of the rebellious teen concept and his equivalent uptight father figure lies a weird hue of contentment.
Things are looking good, for some reason, in my head. And I learned one or two things; one of which being that there are some things I’ll have to accept even though I might never understand just because I wouldn’t have gone about them the same way. I’m guessing that same urge is the one that’s not questioning, for once, why whatever this is, is labeled as good up there.
Today, I made the same decision a friend of mine took three years ago, and for the first time, after so much resentment, I understand it. I understand how being the asshole can be the highest form of altruism if used at the right time, all I needed for that to properly sink in was to grow up and be in that asshole’s position, find out I’ve made the same decision, and by knowing my reason, I understand theirs. I walked in someone else’s shoes today, but not because I lost mine, but rather grew out of them, and they weren’t the right fit anymore. Just a couple of tiny dots have been joined and now the helix is complete, and it all makes sense.
And the saddest part is that even though you know exactly how it’s gonna turn out and how long each and every little thing is gonna take and just how much and what aspects of that other person it will inevitably destroy, just because you’ve been there, done that, said that and fucked that up before, you can do absolutely nothing about it to save the other person the drill of having to find out the same way you did. Absolutely nothing.
Then you realize karma has it that you’re that same asshole to another person, and suddenly your asshole isn’t an asshole anymore. An intricate balance, through an unfortunate turn of events. A cycle that never ends because nobody’s interested in its theoretical postulations and they always feel a nagging urge to use themselves as a guinea pig to see if the practical observations fit the description. That urge keeps the planet turning.
And it’s a little unfair that only someone who has been through it will know that it’s at too high a cost, but will never be listened to. Some things, people just have to go through, and sometimes you’re lucky enough not to witness it, or you’re hired as a tool, the same one that once smashed you. And you can’t do zilch about it. Loophole in the system? Hardly.
The only consolation is the little hope that maybe life will extend the same courtesy to them as it now has to you and one day they’ll understand why, by being in your shoes. What sucks is that it will involve popping someone else’s life cherry. It will render them incapable of giving it their all that readily again. It’s good that I finally understand, and bad that it had to be that way. But that’s what you get when you want everything out of life, nothing exists without it’s absolute opposite, so brace yourself for a little bouncing around until the cosmic debts have been settled and equilibrium has been reached.
You don’t get to make that link most of the time, and it looks like there’s no way you had this coming, that you did nothing to deserve it, when in fact all you did was not notice which cause triggered that effect. I like to believe this mind link gave me the experience most people would spend life times oblivious about, or maybe it’s a longshot at an amendment, but who cares? If it’s happening, might as well get something out of it.
And that’s probably why it’s called ‘making’ sense of things, not ‘uncovering’ the sense behind things, because that’s the closest you’ll ever get to the ultimate truth; by little scattered versions of it diffracted by your own background of experiences to your understanding. All you can really do about it is hope you got enough quantum for the version to be somewhat compatible with the general term.
I was watching ‘The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button’ this morning, and it struck me how much sense it makes for people to be designed intricately enough for their peaking potential and ability to fulfill it to never meet at the ends. The time window only allows inversely proportional quotas of the limited amounts simultaneously. If you think about it, if people’s knowledge and the experience they acquire by the time they’re in their 80’s is combined by their ultimate physical and mental abilities they might have at the height of their youth to carry them out, the world will self-destruct in a couple of decades, and we’d not only hit WWIII, I daresay we’ll be working on the VIII’s by the end of the century. It all makes sense somehow, that seemingly unfair balance is actually fair in its injustice. It’s the only way to be fair in a dystopia, which makes it the closest approximation of perfection.
Our shortcomings make sure the world goes on, at our own expense. You’ll get something out of it, yes, but it will be taken from another person’s happiness. And that person will get something out of it at the expense of another’s. And the cycle continues, and never stops because a higher mathematical formula has been put that makes sure a generation dies out at just the right time for another to be absolutely clueless, to start from scratch.
Fair? Yes. And no. Equally. Perfectly.
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