What’s Gonna Happen If I Don’t Get Hugh Dancy For X-mas

Dear Santa,

1. I’ll blow your cover and destroy the Christmas spirit of kids all over the globe.

2. I’ll kidnap an elf, call it Dobby and make it wish i were Lucious Malfoy.

3. No more milk and cookies, you hear me?

4. I’ll give the Grinch your address and phone number.

5. I’ll file a petition to wipe December off the calendar. Who needs 12 months anyway? Worse yet, how about I file a petition to have 12 Decembers a year? That’ll max out your credit card alright, and your soul.

6. I’ll have your ass sacked! Pun intended.

7. I’ll delete all of the naughty girls’ addresses from your phonebook, and you’ll be stuck with your lardass wife and the creepy Chucky-look-alike midgets.

8. I’ll lock up all of your elves. Yes! No more orgies. Not even this.

9. I’m taking Rudolph too. You won’t even be able to pull Equous off.

10. And your toys. Oh yeh. I’m damn serious.

11. I’ll bomb your ass; I’m an Arab. And the biggest part of you will be smaller than the ghost of Christmas past’s nonexistent toe.

12. I’ll mess up your To-Do list and have you send a Barbie doll to the Featherweight champion lifter, see how he’ll feel about that.

13. I’ll dope your kitchen elf and have him feed you Indomie noodles everyday for the rest of your life! And then I’ll make you eat my mom’s food for dessert.

14. I’ll put your central heating system on maximum and have you drill your own hole into the north pole and be devoured by rabid seals.

15. I’m taking away your beanie. Yes, I’m that vicious.

16. I’ll ship you off to Mexico’s biggest bull arena in your overalls.

17. I’ll confiscate your credit card and give it to a Somali kid so you won’t ever have the nerve to ask for it back and watch it get drained to the last penny on water and underwear.

18. I’m deactivating your Facebook and Twitter accounts.

19. I’m changing your last name to Gaddhafi. Nobody believes he’s dead and you both have a whacky taste in fashion, Arabs will eat it up.

20. I’ll pull of a southern accent, call Hannibal Lecter and invite him over for Christmas Eve dinner. Main dish is your live brain.

21. I’m taking your UGG boots and singing ‘This boots are made for walking..’ as i trample all over your junk and eyeballs with it.

22. I’ll cut you into tiny little pieces and anonymously mail it to children with your name tag and return address.

23. I’ll mail your wife to a Lemon party with a tag that says ‘Open every single Christmas.’

24. I’ll take your overalls and sell them on Craigslist to the first bank robber that applies.

25. I’ll cut off your toes and make you eat them naked while you sing ‘I love candy canes.’ Then  I’ll proceed to cane you with a giant candy cane.